Self-reliant limbo

My life is currently in flux. But it's at that point of making change in which I sometimes feel like I'm just treading water. I know that in the end there will be changes. Meanwhile, I'm just hanging here in a kind of limbo. I've come to realize that I've been holding off on the craft stuff because I want to get through the most of this change first. So it may be some time before you see any crafts around here but I'll try to keep up with the food stuff.

Whenever I'm about to go through changes in my life, I usually don't like discussing them too much. Fear that it will all fall apart? That's my best guess as to why I keep things to myself. But now I've hit a different part in the process so here goes.

It all started with my aunt's death last July. My dad wanted to pay off her house and to give it to me. Thing is the mortgage on the house was higher than its current value. I spent months telling my dad that it was a bad investment. Then the plan became that he would help me in buying another house with some of the money he had inherited. OK. Perhaps another reason why I was hesitant in sharing was because my life has been filled with promises from my dad. He has a history of not always delivering -- especially on the big stuff. But he gave me the initial financial documents I needed to get pre-approved and so I thought that perhaps things had really changed.

Throughout this all, I have suffered with my mother's derision. Why would I want to buy a house? And if I want a house so desperately, why can't I just buy her house in Richmond off of her? Why don't I want to live in Richmond? (Nothing against my hometown. It's just that I've done the commute on 80. Never again if I can help it. Besides Richmond just isn't quite urban enough for me -- if you understand.) During this past week, other stuff transpired -- I'll get to that shortly -- and my mother made my favorite statement of all. Why would your father ever plant this stupid idea in your head? I haven't spoken to her since that conversation.

And what happened? Well, it seemed innocent and all at first. My dad suggested that I chat with a friend of his who is in real estate. That conversation with his friend completely blindsided me. Why should my father put up so much for a down payment? What about my real estate agent? My mortgage broker? Were they really doing their jobs properly. The first question made me pissed off with my dad. Why didn't he just ask me himself if he was so concerned? (Duh. Because he hates direct confrontation. Let's all pretend that everything is fine.) The other questions? Left me feeling like I'm some idiot who doesn't know how to ask the right questions -- even though I'm not.

Back in December, my father finally started contact with the insurance company for a policy that my aunt had had. We all assumed that he would be the beneficiary. This was part of the money he had promised me as part of a down payment. Last month we found out it wasn't his to promise because I was the beneficiary. I got the check this past week.

I got to thinking. What would happen if I only put 5% down? I ran some preliminary numbers in a spreadsheet and then I contacted my mortgage broker. She confirmed what I thought. It would decrease the amount of loan for which I'd be approved. But I could take care of it on my own.

Thursday evening my dad called to see if I had talked to his friend. He's such a bad liar. Because I told his friend that I was pissed off by the whole thing and I'm sure he called my dad during the day. So I let my dad have it with both barrels. Told him that I would have appreciated it if he could have come to me personally with his concerns instead of going through someone else. And that I had rerun the numbers and did not need him under the scenario his friend had presented. And would not be discussing the topic with him -- or my mother -- any further. Because I was going to make a decision on my terms. Haven't heard from him since that conversation either.

Over the weekend I've had more time to think. So far in this process loads of folks have promised assistance. I know that there are a variety of reasons why they have not been able to deliver. That's OK though. I'm done asking for help. Because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't need their help. Never have.

This week will mark four years since I moved into this apartment. I did that completely on my own. Found it. Moved in. Unpacked. Done it before. I'll do it again.