The abyss

There is a deep hole in me that I hide with smiles and sarcasm. It started with the stuff from yesterday's post but includes so much more. It is my opinion that perfectionists are made and not born.

The craziness of my childhood turned me into a people pleaser. I don't like conflict and am always trying to figure out how to make others happy. This is why the one therapist made me go through all the exercises on self-esteem.

Thing is I have never been able to get rid of the nagging voice in my head. The voice that says that I have fucked up. The voice that says that I will never be good enough.

I realized this in the last month. My boss makes everyone who reports to him come up with annual goals and we check in with him every two weeks to report our progress. I met with my boss a day or so before my dad had been released from the hospital. In the prior two week period I had done absolutely nothing to meet my goals. I had also made a couple of major mistakes at work. I just hadn't been present. So two weeks later, it was time for the meeting and I was scrambling to figure out what I had accomplished. I pulled some stuff together and was prepared to bullshit my way through it all. If anything, I can always spin things so that I look good. But I sat there in the chair across the desk from my boss and thought about how I was about to be told what a major fuck-up I am. There's not really a reason why I should think this. When I had my annual review (and received my bonus check), I was told how much they appreciate me. The only explanation is that I have spent a lot of years not feeling appreciated.

And so I realized just how deep the hole in me goes. I am always worrying about being accepted, appreciated, liked. Really. Almost every single second. I say or do something and I worry what others will think. I see two people I know having a conversation in which I am not included and a part of my mind will at times think that they are discussing what a loser I am.

This is the root of what makes me suck at the whole dating thing. I become this needy person who needs constant reassurance. And even if you say that you love me, why should I really believe you? The people who were supposed to love me first -- my parents -- said it plenty of times but their actions said something different.

So imagine my dismay this weekend. After a Friday spent under assault, in my opinion, all I really wanted was someone who would reassure me that even if I didn't do what others wanted, I was still an OK person. Originally the weekend was supposed to be spent with Drummer Boy but then he found out that he needed to work. I understand that. The hurt little girl doesn't understand not hearing from him though. No, he doesn't know about what went down but I just kind of figured that he would contact me regardless. And then I started thinking that perhaps this is why he had stopped being a part of my life before. I did try to get in touch with him but refrained from doing so more than once. Because that abyss inside of me? Well sometimes I worry that it makes me too needy. To contact him more than the one time that I had might make him feel this way was what I argued in my mind.

And so instead I wrote yesterday's post. It felt much safer.

Mysteries

I'm not really sure what possessed me when I decided that I really needed to make this salad. Dealing with crazy family members? Hormones? I don't know. All I know is that I was committed to the idea and so yesterday I fired up the grill.

Now don't get me wrong. It's damn tasty, especially after I hit it with extra hot sauce. Hot sauce is kind of like bacon in that it can make so many things even better. The problem is that I'm not a huge fan of tomatoes. It's one of my weird food quirks. Yes, I will eat all kinds of meat but I just am not a fan of tomatoes. But if you love tomatoes, then this salad is completely for you.

I had to rush the salad though after receiving a surprise text message yesterday though. From Drummer Boy of all people. He said he had disappeared because his life had gotten crazy and he didn't think it was fair to drag me into the craziness. Y'all know how I am as magnet for all things crazy so of course I agreed to go out with him. Turns out his crazy was very similar to mine -- family. Now he is no longer speaking to certain family members because he just doesn't have time for the drama.

I have purposefully spent the past year not dating. I kind of figured that if I was meant to be doing such, then the universe would let me know. And boy did it ever. Because what did the universe give me? A guy who talks about the near and far future. Including stuff like how I am silly in saying that my birthday should indeed be something special. Heck. I might even have to try out some of his favorite crockpot recipes that he was kind enough to share with me.

All I can think is how on Friday I was thinking about how I missed my old rock and roll lifestyle. And now it's back in some ways.

The power of the skirt

So I'm still texting away with that guy I met at the firefighter party. Here's the thing though. He's always working. So we text a great deal but rarely see one another. This weekend would be an example of such. And this weekend I will actually be home for the first time in weeks. and faced with the task of unpacking. Well, I'm all about procrastination. So it was off to Berkeley this evening after work.

The first stop was for some shopping. I'd love to tell you more about it but ... You know the rest of that.


The next stop was to get a pedicure. And once I was there, I decided that a manicure wouldn't hurt in the least.

As my nails were drying, I called Gregoire to place my order.



After picking up the food from Gregoire, I probably should have headed home but noooo. I had to go to my old hangout. It had been six months since they had last seen me. Just like me, my bartender had a new look. Didn't matter. He still looks hot. Kind of like me.


Then I met this really cool guy. (Ummm. Yeah. Still chatting with the guy from the party but like I said -- he's crazy busy.) Oops. And I forgot. Before I met this guy, my bartender came over to tell me that some random guy had bought my next drink. And I said thank you and started to chat with the new guy. But new guy disappeared while I was trying to settle my tab. Perhaps because while we had been outside, some other guy had settled into his seat when we returned. And new new guy let me grab my original seat -- the one that was next to him. And sad thing is that I don't remember new guy's name but I remember new new guy's name. May have something to do with the fact that I kept catching new new guy's eye while I had been talking to new guy. Bottom line? I promptly took my ass home.

Oh, and the dress thing? I had a pretty good idea of how my day would end when I walked into the work. My boss exclaimed, "You're wearing a dress! You have legs!" And then later one of the VP's asked,"You look nice. Do you have a date tonight?"

I usually wear khakis to work. And now I'm known as the smart girl at work. But I wonder if I had been wearing skirts/dresses all along if that would still be the case. When I got to work, I usually look pretty frumpy compared to the other women. And I get to be one of the guys. And I know they have total respect for me. Just how I want it. Because when you're a woman who has been told that she's pretty, you sometimes wonder about the motivation of others and so you learn how to dim it all. This might be why I go all out on weekends. Too much time being dim the rest of the week.

But every now and then you like to shine. Screw what everyone else thinks.