Imposter

I know what you're thinking. "She's gone off the deep end. What happened to the whole weight loss thing?"

Tonight's dinner was alfredo sauce (light) mixed with peas, asparagus, mushrooms, crab meat and topped with a little red jalapeno. Oh and the noodles are actually spaghetti squash. Never had it before but I thought I'd give it a try. Fools the eye but the taste is different. Not bad, just different.

Only problem is that I should have eaten the entire plate calorie-wise but got full about a third of the way through. Maybe in a bit I'll be able to get more down.

The keeper of secrets

The photos are of the appetizers as well as my main course ordered last night when I went out to dinner with my dad. Before I can discuss the food, I need to rewind some.

My father is an alcoholic. He stopped drinking when I was 18. Even though he went through rehab, he spent many years later as a "dry drunk." For those of you not familiar with the phrase, it means that while he stopped drinking, he continued his behavior. From the time that I was about 10 or so until I was 28 my relationship with my father was tenuous at best. The following ten years were fabulous; I had the dad I had always wanted, the dad that I remembered from when I was five. And then his siblings started to die as well as his wife and he eventually started drinking again. So in many ways my dad and I have returned to the relationship we had when I was 16 -- he writes a check and that is about all of our contact.

Yesterday I drove to Sacto to partake of the annual event that I have done since 1999 when I stopped working for my dad -- doing the books to make sure they are ready for the accountant for tax return preparation. After a few hours a took a break to go have a cigarette; my dad was already outside having a cigar at the time. After I lit up, he said that there was another reason why he had wanted me to come up for the weekend. And with those words, I knew what was coming next. My dad is getting married -- for the third time -- in October. My first reaction was to be happy for him. He doesn't do well on his own. Even though I had only met his fiance on two occasions -- one of which ended up with me not speaking to my mom for months -- I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But when I was ready to get to work, there was a problem. My dad had been sitting at his desk and I in the chair across the desk. He eventually got up and excused himself so I could get to work. When I went behind his desk, thankfully I looked down -- and saw a noticeable wet spot on the seat. I blotted the spot with a nearby tissue and then held it up for a whiff and confirmed what I thought. (And some of y'all probably wonder why at times I carry so much baggage. On the outside it may seem like I have led a charmed life but really?) I switched out the chair and he asked me about it when he returned but I just gave him a look.

And I worked on trying to absorb the information about his impending marriage. And then I got to that check -- the one with her name on it. And then it all came back. I could have pulled the report to see about the activity for that "vendor" but I didn't. Because until last June the name meant nothing to me. But four, five years ago when I first saw it, I had no clue. They were supposed to be repayment for a loan but there was never a deposit that matched. One of the weird things in my family is that people think that they can expose me to random bits of information and that I will not be able to connect the dots. Hello. According to the tests I took in school, I have an IQ of 148. And I have social skills on top of that. Tonight I called my cousin who has always been an older sister to me. She told me that my father had been planning to divorce my stepmother for his current fiance but then my stepmother got sick. So yeah, my mother was right but we'll never tell her that.

So now you have the background. The food? Appetizers from the dinner that my dad had planned for the three of us. The third photo is my entree. I knew we were going out but until I heard about the engagement, I thought it would be just me and my dad.

We had time to kill before dinner. And this is when I went into my old role as the enabler. Before dinner, my dad and I killed a bottle of white wine at his house. And then I like a fool got in the car with him. On the way to the restaurant, the car drifted into the oncoming lane several times. This is why I stopped spending weekends with my dad when I was 12 or so. I got tired of worrying about whether I would live through the weekend.

So we got to the restaurant and he suggested to us -- me and his fiance -- that we order wine. Well, actually it seemed more like a conversation between that two of them. Thankfully the drive home was less eventful.

Today I had planned to hit the road home early. The drive home is about 95 miles. But once I was dressed, my dad informed me that we were going to breakfast. And so we went to her home. So that I could see her for the fourth time in my life. At the restaurant, they ordered Mimosas. I ordered coffee.

Here's the thing. I like the woman as a person. We could so be friends. She won't tell her age but I guess that she is about ten years older than I. But her age doesn't bother me so much. Her enabler/codependent behavior. I sat there today while she never questioned and in fact seemed to encourage my father's negative traits -- things that my stepmother and my mother never would have tolerated. And I thought to myself that I have to disconnect from this whole situation because in the end it will not be good. I have to save myself.

Then I tried calling the folks who I knew with whom I could be completely honest. Outside of here, those folks are few and far between. Part of the dysfunction is that you disavow the truth; I've always had a hard time with this part of the program. Yes, I can lie like a champ but at my core I believe in absolute honesty -- even if I need to be blunt. I knew that most family members would be ecstatic beyond belief. They would say that my concerns meant nothing. So first I called my estranged aunt by marriage. She told me that I need to talk to my dad. I said that I couldn't see how.

Then I called my cousin; she has always been my older sister. She confirmed my suspicions. She also told me that her mother had indeed had a chat with my dad about his drinking before she died last April. My cousin asked me if I had ever watched the show "Intervention." She said that I was the only person to whom my dad will listen. And talking to her, it came to me. I just have to tell him the truth. Continue down this path and you can no longer be a part of my life. I've done this before but it wasn't about his sobriety. My stance there has always been that he needs to make the decision on his own; just like no one could keep me alive except for me back when I was suicidal, no one else can make him stop drinking. But I want him to understand why I am walking away just like this time if I have to walk away from my mom, I will explain it to her. This will be something new. I have spent years walking away without explaining. I just never thought the explanation was necessary. I thought that if you were in the same moment with me that you would understand.

And so now I sit here with the realization that I am about to lose both of my parents. I will lose my mother to her obsession with my father's life and my unwillingness to become a part of the dynamic at this point in my life. And I will lose my father to his addiction once more. And knowing this, I am trying my best to hold it all together. But don't worry about me. I have loads of experience at being the adult and holding it all together. I mean I've been doing it since I was ten years old. I'm a seasoned pro at this shit.

Back to basics

I am steadily trying to push through to continue with the weight loss thing. After the holiday season, I dropped my net calories severely -- slightly over 1,000 per day. This worked at first but then stopped. I realized that my body probably thought it was starving -- something that I have been trying to avoid since day one. So now I have increased my daily net calories to 1,200 to 1,300. Now with my added physical activity -- thank you Wii -- that means that I need to eat significantly more than I had been. The first day was a struggle but then slowly it came to me.

Duh. I need to start eating breakfast. And as it turns out, my favorite things to eat first thing in the morning -- fruits and oatmeal -- are decent fiber sources. So now I'm trying to commit myself to really eating three meals a day. And I have nuts and baby carrots for snacks.

One question has come up in my mind though. What happens when I reach my goal? The recommendation is around 2,000 net calories per day. Now that just seems like way too much food. I mean I can imagine consuming that occasionally but on a daily basis? Frightening.

Boring

That's what food has become for me as of late -- boring. And that's why I haven't really been doing many posts. I eat out of necessity. I find that when I do that, the food is usually not very interesting.


Earlier this week I roasted a Cornish hen. I don't know about y'all but for me one hen equals four meals. The first day was some of the hen with some steamed asparagus. Like I said -- boring. But last week, I got a Wii along with Wii Fit Plus so that I could start getting some regular exercise. The problem is that now that I'm about halfway to my goal weight, I have hit a wall thus the exercise. Now I face a new problem. I have dropped my net calories pretty low over the last month or so. And adding exercise? Well, that means that my net calories had veered into the region of unhealthy habits. I needed more calories. Thing is that I had cut starchy stuff out of my diet almost completely. Then while reading through articles about carbs online on Wednesday, I remembered what Zombie Mom mentioned last week. Yams could be my friend. So I added a baked yam to the mix and was able to meet my net calories.


Another thing I have been avoiding besides bread is pasta. So when I went shopping for the yams, I also picked up some whole grain pasta. (In the photo is a mixture of steamed broccoli, leftover Cornish hen breast and whole grain penne with a light alfredo sauce.) I must admit that I have become a fanatic about monitoring fiber content of food these days. Ideally I want 20-25 grams of the stuff in my daily diet. At the same time I have been monitoring my sugar intake which is why I also said goodbye this week to my beloved fruit juice. Oh and wine as well. Because that's how determined I am to lose this last bit of weight.

The important stuff

Now I know that most of you started coming around here for the food. And there just hasn't been much food here lately. So I decided to put together the food highlights of my trip this past weekend into one post. I'll just warn you. You might only want to proceed if your belly is full.


By the time I finished checking out the butterflies on Friday morning, it was lunch time. So I headed on over to a place that Fluffycat had recommended to me -- Cracked Crab. Things were looking good when the really nice server brought out my condiment selection and tools.


I went with their specialty -- The Bucket. Potatoes, corn and Cajun sausage steamed up with my selections of Dungeness crab and mussels. And then all dumped out onto the butcher paper on the table. I ate it all. Except for the potatoes. Loved this place so much that I wanted to eat all my meals there.


For Saturday's hike I had to park near the San Luis Pier. It's a working pier.


Complete with pelicans waiting for a morsel.

At the end of the pier sits Olde Port Inn. I figured that any restaurant in this close of proximity of fresh seafood had to be mighty good. And I love a place that lists dessert first on the menu -- "It's never too soon to plan for dessert."


On my server's recommendations, I ordered one of their specials for the day, crab cakes. Her selling point was that they never use bread/filler in their crab cakes. Just pure crabmeat.


And of course I had to try the above which is probably all kinds of artery clogging but so good. Shrimp stuffed with Monterey Jack cheese, lightly breaded, wrapped in bacon and then fried up. Served with cocktail sauce. I will have to attempt these at home because I don't think that I can wait until my next trip down that way to have them again.


Before hitting the road home on Sunday, I drive another hour south to the town of Solvang. If I am on 101 and have traveled as far south as Pismo, then a trip to Solvang is always a must. So what if it's only about an hour north of Santa Barbara and I had to drive home from there?


My main reason to go to Solvang these days is to stop at Mortensen's Danish Bakery. Pictured are the cookies I brought into the office after my return. They were quickly consumed. And one person asked if I had more stashed at home. Because yes, they are that good. I mean I did go two hours out of my way just for the cookies. That should tell you something. And look? Now they have shipping.


Finally, no California road trip is complete without a stop at In-N-Out, in my opinion. In an effort to be "good," I got the cheeseburger instead of my usual double double. But I always have to have it animal style.

Completed set

When I first mentioned prisons and power to Fluffycat on Friday, she said that I needed to find another P to make it complete. Then on Saturday after my hike, it all came together.

After lunch, I headed over to Tolosa Winery. I really wanted to check out a winery that is certified sustainable. They apparently use a lot of solar power and water reclamation.


Oh, and that other P. I chose to do their Pinot Noir tasting flight. Because yes, they produce six different pinots. Think Sideways. And two of them I liked enough to purchase -- along with their no oak Chardonnay that I had with my lunch on Friday. They packaged them up in the tote pictured and told me that as part of their efforts to be sustainable that I bring the tote back on future visits -- for which I'll receive a discount on my wine.

In the meantime, I will be receiving shipments from them sinceI joined their wine club as well. And I do not need an intervention, Maddie. Of course, if they had told me that I would receive a 35% discount for my purchase because I joined the club, I may have selected more.

Road music

The key for lone road trips is having the right supply of tunes on hand -- as well as a cellphone. Actually I suspect that part of the reason why I'm such a phone person is my love of the lone road trip. Enough hours on the road and you start wishing to hear a voice other than your own. Going to Marina in October wasn't that bad as it was only about two hours on the road. After two hours though I start jonesing for the sound of someone else's voice. My aunts were the ones who used to keep me company on the road. My dad's older sister, who passed away last April, could stay on the phone with me for at least an hour. And so the trip this weekend was hard but I survived it.

Enough of that sad crap though. In between the phone calls, music is key for getting through a solitary drive. I don't know about you but I need a strong rhythm. But not too much because next thing you know, you're cruising at 95 mph and worrying about the CHP pulling you over. So I leave you with some of my favorite songs for the road.

There is usually a lot of rock in the mix.


But I also love my R&B/rap. Especially this song that I consider to be the partygirl theme song. Actually this one is more a life theme. Applies to everything in life. Who the hell cares what other people say as long as you are not harming anyone else? It's your life. Live it.