No hay nadie mas que yo

As this post formed in my mind, I debated about letting these thoughts out for public consumption. Then I decided that I should. It's the closest thing that I can say that others will hear as, "I am drowning."

Thursday I got the phone call about my grandmother's death. But I never had time to grieve because I had to drive to my mom's to tell her the news. (My grieving lasted all about 60 seconds.) It was still in the height of commute traffic so the drive would take at least an hour.

In the midst of my drive, I got a call from my drive I received a hysterical call from my mother. Thanks to her stupid ass brother-in-law she had put things together and just needed confirmation. I denied knowledge of all things and said I would call her later.

And so I dialed my phone to make various other calls. I reached most of my mother's friends to warn them of the oncoming storm. And I called my friends as well. But the vast majority of them did not answer. And so the beginnings of one more wall around my heart started.

I realized this over the weekend. When I realized that I am so angry. I don't want to hear anyone else say, "Well she was old/sick." Like this makes the hurt better. But most of all I don't want to hear anyone else say, "You have to be strong."

They say that last phrase when they want you to take care of someone else. I'm pretty good at taking care of other people. The last year and a half have drained my well for the most part though. So when I hear someone say, "You have to be strong," my initial thought is, "And you can go fuck yourself."

Here's the thing. When someone says that I have to be strong for whatever family member, I have learned to interpret as, "Look. I got the call but I just really can't be there."

It was Friday before anyone thought to ask how I was doing. How am I? Pissed off and disappointed with the world. I used to have a safety net. Thing is they all died in the last year and a half. And when I really needed someone to be there for me, all I got was a bunch of phone messages for the most part.

So right now, the rest of the world can just kiss my ass. Because those folks I was supposed to be looking out for over the last year and a half? Oh they're just fine. They've moved on. And rarely include me.

And so right now, I just don't like much of anyone. And sometimes I don't like myself much for being such a fucking idiot.